I’m alone on this rainy Sunday. Just hanging out and enjoying City and Colour radio on spotify. I fucking love spotify. I wish I could write music. Sometimes i’ll randomly sing something… point a camera on my face and just sing:
it can turn out ok sometimes. I need structure. I need a guitarist lord knows I can’t play. True life dream here: I wanna meet a musician dude and vibe it out and we’d make music all Deacon/Rayna style from Nashville. Life isn’t tv I get it, calm down.
I really wonder if I will ever have a real, solid, chance at romance. No one wants to put the effort in anymore. I’m guilty of that. I just lose interest… quickly. I am beautifully flawed but I do have a lot to offer. I am a blank slate. No past relationships (real actual ones not ones where the guy was married the and freaked me out with his instantaneous declarations of how much he liked me.) I am getting more cynical about it as the days go on. Dating in general. I sometimes just want to be held and cuddled but that’s not what most men want.
I just wish it was easier! I get on these stupid websites and I entertain a whole lotta nonsense on there just because they say some flattering bull shit. Then I get annoyed as time goes on. Like why are you calling me baby? We haven’t even met yet. It annoys me. Like such intimate terms should be saved for when you know someone intimately. Just because we text each other or message each other… You don’t know me yet. You don’t know my little nuances that makes me a person that you’d get to know if you met me in person.
If you have ever met me or are close friends with me I really think I am unlike a lot of people. I am very much so the personality you see on this blog but… there is so much more than what I reveal from my fingertips. There is really nothing hidden or mysterious about me. I pretty much say what is on my mind. Word vom is something that regularly happens. I truly wear my heart on my sleeve. I can’t change that about me and… I don’t want to. Maybe keep a few things guarded and hidden but that’s about it.
I am scared of love. I witness it every day with each and every daily engagement announcement on facebook. I know it is possible to find your match and want that person around all the time.
Here is when I get cynical. I don’t want to have to ask permission to do shit. I don’t want to be judged for anything because I have to share my future with them. Will I ever find the patience in my heart to share it? Is that even possible for me? I have so much love for each every one of my friends and family is that all I have left? Is my heart wrung dry from all the bull shit I have dealt with romantically? I think I have lost faith. I contemplate deleting my dating profiles every day. I havent gone on a date in a while because I have been in a funk about it all. I just figure if it’s meant to be something will happen. I just still have a lot to work on with myself. Happy as I am with how life’s going I still do really need to get healthier and become back on track with an exercise routine. Get my endorphins pumping and shit.
See that is why I relate to the lyrics in the song thirst so much. My title to this post.
A half hearted wish for something better. Gracefully cursed… I thirst. Oh I motherfucking thirst. I’ll admit I can be a thirsty bitch. I thirst for eyes on me seeing me as if I am beautiful and wanting me. I want to be wanted and I want all the good that comes with it. But it can be a half hearted wish because I don’t even really bother that much. I am not even sure it’ll happen for me. I may be incapable of having a relationship.
When I was 18 I weighed about 310 pounds. I am only like 40-35 pounds less than that now. I am still fat. I am a pretty happy person for the most part, now. I have my struggles. Getting used to being ALONE and being a grown ass woman. It’s weird. I have legitimate bills now and responsibilities I have never really had outside a car note, insurance, and a phone bill. There are days I want to be a recluse and cry over some new shitty Grey’s Anatomy episode.
AND THAT’S OKAY.
I have those woe is me mother fuckers moments but they are so… few it is hardly worth the mention.
I was sooo unhappy when I was well over 400 pounds soo unhappy. Guess when else I was soo unhappy? When I was 245 pounds and I tried to kill myself. That is less weight than I am now. I was seventeen and almost drove off a bridge ON PURPOSE. Second half assed attempt was wrist cutting. It was such a not real attempt. Like I dont even know why I call THAT an attempt. Suicidal ideations were in my mind though. I cut my ankles and scratched my arms up when I was upset. My unhappiness was most likely hormonal. I was a teenager and I was much heavier than my classmates. I was “in love” with a boy who friend-zoned me yet made out with me occasionally. It was a whole lot. Then I failed my senior year. My true senior year of graduating class of OH FIVE. I stopped showing up to school around April that year.I only went occasionally and worked at Pathmark during the day.
The next year I graduated but it was still a struggle. i struggled with social anxiety and depression. My stupid xanga really shows how loca I kinda was. But aren’t a lot of 17/18 year olds? After I graduated I worked at Hollywood Video and Pathmark. I steadily gained weight during those years because I was so dissatisfied with my life and I had a genuine food addiction. I was seeing all my friends go to college while I slaved away working. Then I wrecked my car because I was drinking and drive less than a month after my 20th birthday.
That was a whole different shit show. Because of my stupidity I was without a car for quite sometime. I quit pathmark for six months and went to wawa since it was walking distance.
Working overnight for wawa is not cool when youre chronically depressed and have an eating disorder; food addiction. I ate so much food and it was ridiculous. The customers were hateful mother fuckers. I cant remember if I discussed the two counts of assault that occurred there but it happened. I don’t feel like re hashing. Even though it’s been 5 years I still feel the knife in my hand ready to kill because that drunk asshole called me a fat bitch.
I was perpetually confused and sad. I had friends but a lot of alienated me after my accident deeming me unfit to be in their life for my stupid mistake that I LEARNED from. I have since reconciled with that person but I forgive and NEVER forget. Things aren’t the same.
When I decided to lose all the weight my hormones were fucked. I was diabetic, I had sleep apnea, I had severe shortness of breath and I hated myself. I hated myself because I was killing myself. I tried everything and I failed. Trying and failing can take a mean toll on someone who was told if you try try and try again you’ll succeed. So under the knife I went. My highest weight was about 412-415. I go by 415. I was weighed today for real. I have lost 132 pounds. I have lost a fuck of a lot of weight. Am I still fat? Yes. Yes I am. Am I happy now? Yes, yes I am. I do attribute this to weightloss but I attribute this also because I have learned so much.
Weight loss aside I am a beautiful women. I am a pretty fat chick and I am desired. The dudes that won’t give me a time of day because I am still fat are really not any of my concern. There are others who want to be with me. Not that that should attribute to my happiness either. I was happy before that. I think men started to see that and smell my confidence.
I told my friend who is going through her own little depression this: Weight loss and happiness isn’t mutually exclusive. Yes, losing 132 pounds has made me very, very happy. Do I have the desire to lose more weight? Hells yes because to be healthy I should lose another 50- 60 pounds. I still wont be thin. I wasn’t thin at 4 years old I wont be thin in my future. Like I mentioned, I am heavier NOW than I was when I tried to kill myself. This inner happiness I found because I have surrounded myself by good people and I drown myself in my passion. Music. I am never happier than when I am jumping up and down at a concert. I am not. I just feel better about myself. I think a lot of it comes with growing up and listening to good advice. My friend Toya was telling me the best shit ever when I was at my heaviest. “Love yourself,” she preached. I now do. I love myself enough to indulge myself in things and not kick myself too badly for it. I’m working on not kicking myself at all. I have also discovered Lesley and the rest of xojane.com. Being more fat positive and more of a feminist has helped me on this journey. I have learned that a lot of peoples harsh judgements are ridiculous and shouldn’t matter to me in the slightest. My life is interesting to me and that’s all that fucking matters. A lot of my time now is sitting in my apartment experimenting in the kitchen or going to bed early watching storage wars. Barry is my homeslice zero fucks given. Do I make questionable choices when it comes to men? Maybe but those are my choices and none of your damn business because I am damn near 26 years old and each choice is a lesson and I have zero regrets. Full disclosure in a protected post soon enough dear readers. If I disclose that password ever lol I may just keep those secrets to mah grave. Or just between my closest friends who already know my brunch talk well. I LOVE MY BRUNCH CREW AND I MISS YOU WILL!!!
Any whoooo. Another convuluted post, huh? Do you have your judgement face on because you think i’m a bull shitter because I am happy because I lost weight? I guess. I mean, let me explain a little better. I was an unhealthy 415 pounds. I had health ailments that affected my LIFE. I am now less but I am still more than a good amount of my friends and HONIES I wear my fatness. I do. I rock my size 18 skinny jeans/jeggins and zero fucks are given. TRUE STORY. THIS PHOTO GRAPH IS PROOF
AND SO’S THIS ONE:
SEE? I am happy. I am a happy fat person I will continue to be happy if I stay around the same weight AS LONG AS I’M HEALTHY. So far blood pressure is ON POINT. I just want to get back to the shape I was in. I could out go my 100 pound friend on the elliptical a few months ago. For that I am disappointed in myself in. It’s all good though guys. I danced like a maniac today and I did ballet beautiful and FUCK SWAN ARMS.
and maybe fuck my room mate for having this dvd so I can awkwardly flap my bingo flaps around. It does work though I must say lol
So I am at 1300 words and I’m gonna go start cooking dinner. Just find your happiness ya’ll. Believe me, i fully support the if you don’t like something fix it attitude. Or stop complaining and get your ass off and do something about it attitude. I am just saying don’t expect losing weight to magically fix you. I’m still a fat ass and I think i’m kinda fixed or maybe I was never broken to begin with. I just needed to grow up and figure myself out and I STILL have my moments and that is AY OH FUCKING KAY. Read this and this and understand.
If you’re really lazy here is my fave quote:
…realize that we’ve grown up learning and internalizing that we are not okay our entire life. For me, that’s 26 years of self-hate indoctrination and brainwashing. It’s going to take a lot longer than you think to reverse this thinking, and it’s definitely not going to happen overnight. Allow yourself to have “weak” days. Cry, mourn, sob, yell, throw things. Whichever. Then get up, brush yourself off, give the media the finger, and move forward because you’re a warrior.
I’m a mother fucking warrior and I have the scars to prove it.
So you may or may not know that I am an avid online dater. I have an okcupid account and a plenty of fish account. Plenty of fish is where it’s at my people. I have been on a lots of dates and I get lots of sweet messages on there. Okcupid I get shit. I get visitors from people I’m supposedly great matches with because we don’t give a fuck what comes in the next number series or in the phrase ‘where for art thou Romeo” what thou means. Riveting stuff about what kinda match we are, huh? My fave question is: in a certain light would a nuclear bomb be cool (or interesting or whatever I can’t remember the exact phrasing.) Like straight fuckery. So I signed up for plenty of fish where they make you make a headline and let me tell you how funny some are! Mine is you’re giving me such sweet nothing because I fucking love that song. No one knows what it means and idgaf.
Some great and ACTUAL headlines I have seen on profiles: I am the answer. to what question sir? To what fucking question? What I should eat for lunch? What dress to wear to that wedding next Friday? I’ve never made love but I sure know how 2 f***!!
enlightening. Glad to know so much about you. This gentleman is on my most attracted list. It’s a feature women have on pof.com that shows all the guys who visit her profile most or whatever. Usually these men are too pansy to actually message you. click here to add to cart me gusta clever!
you not about that life?? prob not. I work out to eye of the tiger it jacks me up I would love to date that guy. is there any sane women out there??? No. Ge t with the program and keep fucking yourself. site should be called pob for plenty of bullshitters. I dieee. I am sure he’s been through the ringer but the biggest turn off for me is a butt hurtness. You soooo cannot blame every broad for every bad experience ( this goes for men too!!) I bet your the same as every1 else!! another angry dude. One that cannot spell and cannot differentiate your and you’re. ex porn star not making this shit up
tired of the games!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY HATES PARCHEESI swag you’re 28 years old. Calm down with that shit. what happened to sanity I just don’t know “I’m way too baked to drive to the devils house” I know this reference. Brb planning my future wedding to this funny ass dude who has a funny ass headline
So I am almost totally settled into my apartment with my roomie! This is Jess HAI JESS:
Our place is super nice. Two bedroom 2.5 baths. A very awesome kitchen and a spacious living room. I am hardly here because I work so damn much. It’s good I work so damn much since I now have grown ass bills to take care of. Unfortuantely I have had to make some sacrifices to my musical life… No firefly festival this year BUT I think I am going to made in america at least. I still have regular ol concerts though. CHILL. I am seeing Capital Cities Friday and Fall Out Boy on the 30th.
MY SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD SELF IS MOST PLEASED. Let’s hope I don’t get another black eye at this show. I’m too damn old for that shit.
Not really lol. i am also peeping the unlikely candidates in June. Those tickets were a fucking dollar son!
They’re awesome. Really hoping to score City and Colour tickets for September. I want to have a love child with Dallas Greene.
LOOK AT HIM AND HIS VOICE AND HIS LYRICS AND HOW CAN I NOT HAVE BABIES WITH HIM?!
if you wanna see all the songs he sings for that live set here and youre welcome:
On for serious notes:
I have been kinda in a weird place lately. I have been an emotional spazz. With the move, working 65 hours some weeks, and NOT exercising like I should… I’ve been feeling like shit. I have been choosing the wrong men to cohort with as per usual so that doesn’t make it any easier. I am just a silly hormonal woman sometimes. At least I sometimes get what I want.
I WANT TO WIN THE LOTTO AND GET MY MOTHERFUCKING PRIUS. Can we make this shit happen now!? NOW. The guy that I would love to seriously date is in Philly and we have no time to see each other. He works 5am to 12 I work 8 to 5 and some times 8 to 10:30 pm in between both jobs. My only day off is Sunday.
SOO dating is hard yo. And when i have sweet precious time to date homeboys like to stand dis broad up. NOT OKAY MR. ASSHOLE SIR IDGAF IF YOUR ASS IS TIRED BISH I WAS TIRED TOO I WAS WORKING FOR 8 HOURS ON MY FEET TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLES SKIN STOP AGING AND SHIT. NO APOLOGY FOR WHEN YOU’RE PASSING OUT? YOURE ALL JUST ‘UP TO YOU’ TO COME OVER AT 12:30 AM. HUNNIE I AM NOT DRIVING AN HOUR FOR YOU AT 12:30 AM IN DA FUCKING AM FOR YOU TO THINK YOU’RE GETTING ASS. EFF DAT NOISE. EFF IT EFF IT EFF IT. OVER THAT NONSENSE.
Anyway. His loss. ON TO THE NEXT. Like I said I like my widdle Philly boy but the timing is all kindsa off right now. I obviously have zero time for a legit relationship. I am just getting my dating wings. I am figuring men out. For most of my life I spent zero time with dudes. The only dude i spent legit time with was Mike and I was love with that ay hole for 90% of that time. Totally platonic close friendship NOW but it’s been 10 years. I have grown up a lotta lotta.
Each day I learn. I learn how to manage money, I learn how to manage feelings, I learn how to love myself. I am still a fatty mcfatterson. I am. I got 65 pounds to lose to be at goal. Not bad but I am not doing shit about it right now. I’m not. I get to my apartment and I am just so damn tired… I have no energy. I know it is just getting back into a routine but it is hard to figure out. I have been in my place for three weeks now and I just am enjoying the solitude (roomie works opposite work schedule.) I have never had time a lone before. EVER. I shared a room up until I moved out. I have 4 brothers and sisters and my parents are together. Seven peeps in one house and two dogs. I think that’s an emotional adjustment on its own. I am learning how to be alone without being lonely. Sometimes I do get lonely but being alone is kinda delicious. Not wearing pants for hours and hours? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT AWESOME? Cooking in my own kitchen is kinda sexy as well. I am taking all this time to get to know me. I like me a lot. There are times when I beyond selfish cunty and I’m working on that. The thing of it is I am over negativity. Over it. I surround myself with happy bubbly people and I am way better for it. I just wish there was more time so I can see everyone. I gotta keep on trying.
I just have Dallas Greene serenading me the song like knives right now and it is so beautiful. He is just talent. A great big ball of it. I just want someone as musically passionate as me to partner with. A person who can cry listening to City and Colour or some other band. I WEPT SEEING FLORENCE WELCH LIVE GUYS. Now i’m gonna get all sad thinking about the best date I had ever had with a guy so emotionally not ready for a relationship and lives way too far away to be mine. He was so ideal because his passion for almost the same exact music as me was unlike anything I had ever experienced. If I could find that connection again with another male I would try my damnedest to make him mine even though I really tried with him. Two hours is a very far drive but if you give a fuck you make an effort. I know he still gives a shit too because he texted me last week. I wont put his biz out there but let’s just say I was beyond thrilled to hear from him then immediately I was ridiculously sad because he won’t be mine. He wont even let me be his friend really. It’s a very difficult thing and i’ve been hurting over it for awhile. He was just out of my mind and BOOM there goes his name in my text message inbox. I miss talking to him everyday. I do. IT WAS THE DAMN MUSIC YOU GUYS THAT IS WHERE MY HEART LIVES. I just know that if someone wants to be with me he’ll make the effort. He will. I know that. So here I am just gonna chalk everything up to everything happens for a reason. I now know there are crazy nutso music fans like me out there that can fall for me. He really liked me. I know he did. Just not enough… That’s okay someone will and I’ll like em the same way and it’ll be fucking awesome. The timing is all wrong now for romance. I’m sure that’s it. Hopefully i’ll figure out how to be a mofoing grown up.
So, with all that craziness. I’m closing this because I am getting teary and I want to take a bath and chill in my solitude. I wish I could find inspiration to do some legit writing but my thoughts can’t organize themselves (OBVS IF YOU READ THIS NONSENSE)
“You’re giving me such sweet nothing.”
So this post is going to be a motherfucking rant. I am going to misspell shit because I’m using my phone. My grammar will be awful. Sorry in advance.I am so sick of dudes feeding me bull shit. Hons if you don’t want to date me tell me you don’t want to date me. Don’t act all I’ve been busy but I totes love you. Da fuckery. Bitch you don’t love me. You fetishize Me. Not gonna lie. Weirded me out. But the. I was like well let me revel in the fact that he digs that I am a ticker than thou lady. But then he asks if I lost any weight after two months of not talking to me. And drops the L bomb. Why do I always get the weirdies?
Lest not forget the greatest date I have ever had on St Pattys day only to have the guy pull the distance card as well as the not over the ex card. He texts me thursday spitting fuckery my way. I pull the concerned friend card because I am a concerned friend. I have an abundance of shits to give for people who aren’t worth it. Why text me after all this time? Why even bother to garner sympathy or whatever from me? Are you THAT hungry for attention? So over it.
Then Mr ginger sperrys smell like shit ass… just go somewhete with your socially awkward bitchassery. You called me a bitch because I called you out on your poor manners. Thats why you’ll be forever lamenting over your FOREVER ALONE status.
To the asshat in Bridgeton NEw Jersey. You pretentious douchelord fuck. I am not going to get into the explicit details of your assholery but good luck on your quest. I hope you get herpes and thr clap twice.
While I have shiteous experiences in my dating quest I have met a few cool people. One who’s becoming a really cool friend. I just have stories for days about the crazy I have handled. The crazy and the weird. Sure, I’m leaving out key details to explain my anger but I honestly just can’t explain without it just being more fuckery. I’m still keeping on keeping on but I am done with the bull shit. Be up front. Be real. Thank god I am peeping most of your crazy before it’s too late but it’s still annoying. I appreciate every shitastic experience. Shows thay I can handle almost anything and I am learning what I really want in my future partner. Thanks for the memories
I am feeling all writey today. So I’m going to write a brief piece of fiction. There is no back story. There is no real reason for this. Maybe nostalgia. Maybe I’m wishing for a future and i’m trying to write it out to make it true. Whatevs. Here is. Read and perceive at your own risk and all that.
I lick my lips in anticipation of his kiss. I am so sick of forced entries. The violation of the tongue down my throat and the agression that causes our teeth to gnash together. I hate that the most. A perfectly good kiss can be ruined but teeth gnashing. I want this kiss more than I have wanted a lot of things lately. His perfect Bambi eyes are trained on my mouth but he does not make a move. The light brown is perfectly framed with luscious lashes. His lids are low and I am enraptured. He does nothing. Maddening. This is maddening. I pull back for fear of rejection. I push a stray bit of my dark hair behind my ear and look to the floor. My toe nail polish is chipping and I curl my toes in embarassament. He is not looking at my sandaled feet. He is looking at my lips. I bite my bottom lip in confusion and frustration. He pulls me closer by grabbing onto my jean belt loop. I place a hand on his chest. I feel his heart beat through his thin cotton t-shirt. I am poised for the perfect kiss. My head is tilted upward and slightly adjusted to go right. His full lips part. I’m ready. He leans forward and delicately places a kiss on my forehead. I sigh in contentment and with wanting. He cups my chin and softly rubs it with his thumb. I bite my lip again. My mind is going four thousand times a minute. My mouth ruins this completely perfect moment; ” Just my forehead?” He laughs at the ludicrous words. The thoughtless manner I had spoken them. I amuse him. He kisses the tip of my nose. I giggle like a teenager. I am frustrated, yet amused as well. His eyes are searching again. This time my eyes. What is he trying to see? I scrunch my nose and he laughs at me again. I can’t help but make light of the seriousness of this so called perfect moment. I don’t have perfect moments. It’s better to muck them up so when it fails there is always that fall back to know it wasn’t as great as you remembered. This gesture causes him to grin further. I huff and say; “Am I really so fun to make fun of?” No longer grinning he seriously places each hand on the sides of my face.
“No, you’re beautiful.” I want to refute the compliment. His statement. It is my MO to deny a compliment. To force it back with a negative. He says the words so sincerely my heart thumps faster and I want to cry. For I do believe his words because I just began to believe them myself. I say nothing else but smile shyly. Lost in the fact that a moment as perfect as this could happen to unlucky in romance me. He holds me closer in his arms and I fold into them. I rest my head below his chin and his stubble rests easily on my forehead. I sigh and smile.
“The stars are so bright tonight,” he says suddenly. I look up to the night sky. He’s right of course but I must point out the obvious:
“That’s is such a THING to say at a time like this.”
He kisses my forehead again. Not saying a word but continues to look up. I break away from his embrace and sit on the grass beside his feet. He follows suit. We sit side by side in this empty field staring up into the sky streched before us. I feel like there is an electricity between us. We bring our fingers together. Lace them together and lie back on the dewey spring grass.
“There is going to be a million bugs in my hair after this and I don’t even care.” I am always ruining the moment. He squeezes my hand tighter has his deep laugh resonates in the night air.
“You’re kind of ridiculous, you do know that right?” I shrug and look at him. My face become wet from the grass. I scrinch my nose again. As if he could not contain himself anymore he brings his face to mine and kisses me softly. He swings is leg over my body. His weight is welcome and I lose my fingers in his feather soft hair. Why is his hair so much softer than mine? I try and not to think of this as I part my lips and his tongue slips in and dances with mine. He isn’t aggressive and the teeth gnashing is absent. We kiss under the stars and get lost in the moment. Who knows if I’ll see him tomorrow? I never know anymore. This much I do know: it’s all about the story.
I am dancing between super happy and super sad at ever second of everday since Thursday of last week. I am erratic. I am listless. I’m a mess
I am trying really hard not to over think the sad. I’m trying to rationalize that people are no longer in pain when they were suffering and they die. That is true. That is absolutely fact in this situation. I am still really upset about the whole thing. One of my important people in my life lost someone truly important to her yesterday. Her mother is gone and I am in awe with the strength my dear friend is having during this trying time. She inspires me to grow stronger yet here I am. Crying at little random times in the car alone. I keep going back to the times I spent with her mom. Going over how boys really were the worst 85% of the time. It’s selfish but I am glad she was able to see me become truly happy and more acclimated in my adulthood. I was such an awkward teen. Graceless at best. She saw me lose the weight and truly come into my own and for that I’m happy. I hope she knows that I’ll always be the best friend her daughter could ever ask for. I think she knew that. Despite the truly bad fights me and Katie have had we forgive each other LIKE THAT and Chris (her mom) knew that. There isn’t much that’ll keep me and her apart.
There are other things that have been bugging me lately. All I can say is I am just TRYING.
I am trying so hard to just be okay. I’ve been struggling so much lately. I was SO good for awhile there. I really was. Then I just went into this downward spiral of shame. Not that I’m ashamed of anything I’ve done (lots of learning experiences and one day you will get a frank writing on some of those experiences but not while I still live at home. I think those posts will be PW protected still anyway.) I just feel ashamed of myself for not actively being happy all the time. Why am I pursuing a relationship so badly? Why do I want one? Am I tired of the trite hook ups? Yup. So sick of false promises by dudes. I am ashamed of myself for falling for it. I do love myself more than I have in my entire life. But there are moments when it is so suffocating to be alone and see most of everyone in happy cozy relationships. I’ll be real; I have relationship envy. This isn’t high school romance BS anymore. People are getting married, buying houses, and having kids. I understand everyone is on their own trajectory but I can’t help but wonder when will my time come? I am awesome and people should want to be awesome with me too! After this year lease is up May 2014 I am going to start looking at jobs in cities. I think it’s time I branch out of the suburbs and move to a new city. WHY DOES CHICAGO KEEP CALLING ME IT IS SO COLD THERE?
My dream is to find a cool loft in Philly but how am I going to find a job within a year and month that’ll pay for such things? So here I am ya’ll. A bouncing selfish mess of mess. I am sure it’ll all turn around soon and I’ll be back to my normal happy self but til then.. . just got to deal with the punches as they come at me. It’s growing up. I’m doing it.
I wish I could properly articulate half the stuff in my mind without showing you all how nuts I really am. Nuts, or normal?
I’ll leave you with this : I am so mad that I am not happy. I am so unhappy with my job and the fact that I am not doing what I love just because of money. I need to get creative.
I need to be me again.
This has been one of the most emotional and trying months in a long time. A lot of good has happened but so has bad. Is it lame to mention the circle of life? I’ve been sad. The kind off sad that makes you think drinking while sad is the greatest idea ever and you end up just crying and screaming at everyone. I am losing my second mother. She is dying as I type this.
We knew the end of the road would come but we didn’t know it would happen so quickly. I moved to Delaware when I was almost 13. I met my next door neighbor Katie who is just a year younger than I. Through the way children do we became best friends. Now I consider her my sister. We have had a 13 year long friendship that has had it’s up and downs but I have never stopped caring for her as though she is part of my family. I know she feels the same for me too. Her mother wwatched me grow up. Let me cry when I was the third or fifth wheel and she always said my time would come. Chris, her mother, truly became a second mom to me. I love her. Now I am going to be saying I LOVED her. She’s been battling cancer for a really long time. This past Friday I find out my sister from another mister is signing the papers for hospice. S aturday she tells me on Friday she signed a DNR. This is shit a 24 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. I keep telling her I am here for her. Trying to be that pillar of strength while I am just a hot mess myself. In culmination of this my family is having financial issues. My grandmother isn’t well either. She’s been in and out of the hospital for awhile now. I feel a weight on my chest and sometimes all I can do is close my eyes and try to fast forward time a little. To when we are out of the darkness and we are coping better.
All this is happening then I get a kiss off from the guy who I liked and who seemed to really like Me. He was musicslly all there. Loved the same music I did.or do. Whatever. Had an amazing date and amazing kiss. He kissed me like he fucking meant it. Then a day before I was foing to drive and see him he calls and says the hour and the half driving distance is too much for him. He came up with a thousand excuses and I cried a thousand stupid lame ass tears. I so wanted that one to work out. With these trying times it would have been nice to have someone to lean on a little. Instead I am back to just leaning on me to try inner strength. Again. Gotta keep the hope alive. He found his excuse early on for his out. I’m just going to patiently wait for the one who doesn’t find an excuse. Who am I kidding I don’t have a patient bone in my body. Just send out positive vibes. I am trying o get it together while hating mostly everything right now. The light at the end of the tunnel is I move out on April 13th. Hello queen sized bed.
I am a crappy blogger. I get it. I just only have my phone to post on right now since I have yet to buy a new battery for my lap top. Um. Lemme order that off amazon right now.
Anyway lots has been going on vida de Krystal. I purchased my own car finally. She is a hooptie kinda but she is all mines. A 98 kia with 100, 000 miles. New tires, battery, breaks, and a nixe head unit all for the low price of 995. My hopefully future room mate and I applied for a gorgeous apartment last Friday. It is a two bedroom with 2.5 bathrooms with all kinds of gorgeous amenities. Not to mention dat kitchen. So. With my shoddy credit that is our only true concern. We both make the right amount of money to afford rent plus utilities plus Some of my concert addictions. I have paif a goof chunk to the only negative thing on my account; my t mobile bill from when I was 21. I got it down to 450 from 630. It shouls reflect that I have made a payment arrangement with em so I am hoping with that and thr combo of my room mate’s kick ass credit we shall be fine. Hoping to hear back soon so I can buy myself a queen size mattress and box spring. Plus pots and pans! I am beyond excited for my future independence. Cant even deny this is going to make dating so much easier. Wanma go back to watch a movie and some ya know what I’m saying? No probs because I will have my own place. I keep thinking of a sweet wine rack that will undoubtedbly have half enpty bottles on it. I hope everything works out. This apartment is gorgeous
24 hour gym and they serve you breakfast Monday through Friday in their club house. Shit is too legit to quit. Plus m room mate is perfect. She has a schedule opposite of mine and is so even keeled. Plus I am not the type to being a huge party in my own space. Plus I love to cook. I am a catch men. Get on it.
Speaking of men I have had my heart bruised. I was starting to like this kid so damn much then he turns loco on me talking about how he is nt over his past relationship. Ugh. So he pulled the ol we dont know what the future holds bull shit but let me tell you… I am hurt. Dont feed me this amazing possible relationship and then do a full on 180. Please. That’s why I put myself back on okcupid and I have a date on Sunday. And possibly tonight. Anddd a couple of other guys trying to meet me. Honestly I was all dom and gloom about the rejection then three other dudes popped up. Thanks universe!
That brings me to my next point.
A lot of men are down with women with meat on their bones. They dig all of this. I am going to brag right now. I have pulled some straight up, inarguable, hotties. Sure shit never became anything really but hey they were undoubtedbly attracted to me and we had good times hanging out. Hell the guy who bruised my heart has the prettiest eyes that may be why my heart is so bruised. Sucker for some dark lashes around light eyes. I admit if he changed his mind down the line I will prob give him another chance. Actually, I know I will. I havent had legitimate FEELINGS for a dude in a long time. Looking back on the last thing that could of been anything… I didnt care about him anywhere near the way he cared about me. Plus his baggage… and the fact he never dropped said baggage I found out later… I made the right decision. I have learned a lot. Cried a lot. And I am still going. Seriously cross your fingers for this apartment. I need my own kitchen
I am so close. SO CLOSE TO BIG THANGS POPPIN! I am not going to jinx myself by talking about it too much but hopefully by March I won’t have to contain my excitement. HOPEFULLY.
My real happiness today stems from the announcement that Fall Out Boy is getting back into music. Tickets for their tour go on sale Friday and May 30th they’ll be in Philly.
My heart is happy. That’s pretty much it. Thanks for your time haha