I warn you this will be lengthy and it may not make much sense.
I get pretty damn candid. Oops me the oversharer. WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS NEW??
Sometimes I feel like the mother fucking queen. I feel like I am gorgeous, sexy, unstoppable. When it comes to boys. I haven’t been with many men. Mostly man-boys who are very good at playing ‘grown up’.
Since I have said my final good bye to Bearded Gentleman I have been on a war path to get over him. The old adage ‘ to get over one man you gotta get under another.’ So I DID this week. I don’t know exactly how I feel. While I am (almost) always attracted to the men I sleep with I haven’t felt that crazy insane comfort I felt with BG. He liked my body and didn’t sensationalize it. He didn’t fetishize my weight but appreciated the parts I and a lot of women appreciate; boobs and ass. I felt sexiest when screwing him. I knew I pleased him. That’s a thing and I am sure a psychiatrist will love to get into all this; I get off on making men happy. Not in the sub/dom way but in the I am making you cum right now kinda way. Nothing satisfies me more than knowing it was my mouth or my body that made a man get to their O. It is what fuels me. I love sex in a way I feel like a teenage boy likes sex. It’s probably because I waited until the ripe age of 25 to lose IT As boy crazy as I am it was only BG I ever FELT something with AFTER being intimate. It may have been because he was the only one who stuck around for so long without treating me like a complete stranger in public. Plus he was so beautiful. Truly bearded with long shaggy brown hair and brown eyes flecked with gold and green. I miss that giddy feeling i’d get knowing I was going to see him that day. The primping because he was going to look at every bit of me. I miss that. These are the facts though; he had no lasting power. We didn’t totally click unless in bed. That’s the problem. That’s my problem. I can feel a connection with people easily because I am a very personable person. This is for my “friendships” as well. People feel they can tell me anything all the time and that can confuse me into thinking they care about me as a person when in reality, down the road, they won’t give me a second thought. Knowing this information can make me feel like there isnt much depth for me. That there’s enough to hold on to- other than my weight. This ALL GOES BACK TO MY FUCKING WEIGHT. It only bothers me in those situations. I don’t hate myself as much as I used to. I think highly of my face and ways to dress my body in a way where I don’t feel like an actual cow.
I need to work on being more guarded. I hate that it’s all game. Life is just truly a fucking game. There are rules and women need to be LESS. We can’t reveal too much for fear of anyone finding out how we truly feel. I have the ability to feel a ton at once and I don’t know how I feel about that.
Added some more at a later time after posting:
There are so many things wrong with my issues with my wanting someone to keep me warm at night. I spend a majority of my time in my apartment alone and it can be a weird experience. I can drink too much and drunk tinder and text all these dudes. Just for some jollies of attention. It’s fucked. Then there is the nights I cry because I feel so unwanted or I miss BG it aches or how stuck and trapped I feel. Other times I’m pretty okay. Usually this is when I’m nice and stoned. Just had a few hits of my bowl and settle into a hazy high that makes me just appreciate the now. Whatever. I think I’m just human. I lack the clarity sometimes to just take a step back and chill the fuck out. The greenery helps me with that. I think what I need to do now is just enjoy these moments where I feel like a fucking wreck, a mess, a goddess, and just realize it is a part of being fallible. Of being HUMAN. I am a woman of almost twenty seven. Looks less like three years from thirty when it’s typed out. I am discovering myself as feminine, attractive, and as an adult. It’s a weird weird way stage in life.