Confession Of A Certified Fat Chick

Are we falling or flying?

krymeariver — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:27:20 +0000

Sometimes. Sometimes you just get the urge to wrap your arms around a warm body. For me there is never anyone there. I wish some people were more thankful for who they have. Who they have to call their own. I hate Valentines Day season. I know it’s a bull shit holiday but when you’re perpetually single it is just another stab in your single heart. I have plenty of shit going for me but I get those sensations where I just want to scream my head off. I internalize a lot yet I internalize nothing. I go out alone a lot. I love going to the movies alone or going to Panera to sip on soup and read a book. I’m good at being alone. Maybe i’ll be good at it for the rest of my life.
Ah pessimism go away!
Is it really because I didn’t get to exercise this week i’m feeling this way? I’m hoping to have my stomach less asshole like on Sunday because I need to Zumba or something. I have been down! I went for a walk today and that was all good and well but it didn’t pump my adrenaline.
On a positive note: work didn’t suck today. I’m hoping it stops sucking for now on. I’ll work hard on not allowing it to.
So, in feeling all emo on shizz I sang one of my fave mumford and sons songs tonight No make up so I look like a zombie and my mouth doesn’t match my face. It’s cool though.

Between two lungs it was released

krymeariver — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 16:16:09 +0000

I haven’t done a real blog in awhile because I’ve been pretty ickface lately. I was trying to go to the gym/Zumba at least 4 days a week then Friday I was hammered with the sinus infection . I was out of commission all weekend. I was also stricken with terrible abdominal pains. I really thought I had an ulcer. My dumbass was drinking orange juice because I thought that would help my cold but instead I irritated my stomach pouch. Now I’m back on prilosec to help this gastritis. I still feel icky and now I have to eat way slower than usual because my stomach is so sensitive. I haven’t had an attack of pain since Sunday night ( thank God because that was AWFUL!) . Along with that I’m on zithromycin to get rid of my sinus infection. I’m a hot mess!
But! The good news with going to the doctors is that I was weighed. I was weighed at 6 pounds lost! So to get real with you all i’m now 309. I started my journey, In March 2011, at 412. The one where I decided yeah, i’m getting the surgery. So, if i’m going by that, I have lost over 100 pounds. My doctors are going by my actual surgery weight. That weight on 8/31/2011 was 402 so as of now I have lost 93 pounds. 7 More pounds until I count that I’ve lost 100 pounds. I’m getting that tat when I lose 100! I can’t wait. I’m just trying to stay more positive and be more thankful for my lot in life. I have a second chance at it. While people around me are losing their family members i’m trying to remind myself each day that life is something to hold near and dear and to fight for it. I’m fighting like hell to make something out of myself.
After I get my finances in place and get my car I plan on looking for better career opportunities. I want to be happy where I spend 40 hours a week. I want to feel like i’m making some kind of difference. I’m thinking seriously about going to school to be an EMT through the fire department. I think once I lose more weight and get a car I’m be prepared for the course. It costs $800 so I have to squared away before I take it. Then, some days, all I want to do is something creative. Unfortunately creative does not pay the bills. I am gonna get my head together eventually.
Another thing i’m excited for is my trip to Tennessee. I finally get to meet, in person, some of my closest friends; Kelley and Leslie! I talk to those girls every day and I am finally getting my butt out there to see them. I am well overdue for a vacation and it’s really close! I leave March 13th and I come back on the 22nd. While i’m out there i’m going to see my other friends Dana and Nick. I’m excited to start looking at bridesmaids dresses. I’m their maid of honor : ). I’m stressing about the plane seat a little but i’m confident I’ll be able to fit especially if I keep losing the way i’m losing!

Wield Your Knife

krymeariver — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 05:14:15 +0000

Eloquently, you put me down.
Place me six feet under
Without even uttering a sound
Despite my opposition to your position
it goes on and on
I am a misjudged character
so flawed
Then life moves and its all a blur
what you are
who you were
who you’ll never be.
Be my noise
compliment my sound proof mind
Turn away from the love sick
just be ill on your own
Then you’ll see if you can make it

Don’t stop color on the walls

krymeariver — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 19:51:05 +0000

My weight loss is slowing down
I knew it would happen and it just sucks that its happening now. Not when I have fun filled trips planned for 2012. I wanna look hot by summer damn it! Roller coasters are haunting my dreams!
I have accomplished a lot but I need to make better food choices.Just because it takes longer to eat something doesn’t it make it good for you. I have to be more conscious about what I’m shoving in my mouth before shit goes down. I need to up my protein and watch my sodium intake. I think i’m consuming more salt that I should and that is what has been making me retain a lot of water lately. Curse you mall chicken! So, my plan is to replace a meal for a protein smoothie or shake that is low cal and full of real fruit. I am going to try and replace dinner with these smoothies because I haerd somewhere that you should eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. I have to stop buying food and bring my lunch. If i have more control in what I make i will be able to get my protein up and my carbs down. I will not let convenience win. I will wake up earlier and cook myself some eggs. I am realizing my errors now and I am going to nip that ish right in the butt. NO MORE white grians. No more pasta. It will have to be wheat/whole or egg noodles. They even make tofu noodles but they only sell them at Whole Foods and there isn’t one near me. Is there anyone who has high in lean protein/low cal ) recipes they can share? I’m really trying to stay on task. I have upped my excercise and I’m hoping to keep it up. I’m trying to stay positive and just keep burning those pounds!

Action Needs an Audience

krymeariver — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 16:42:35 +0000

I make shit happen. I make it happen. I know there are not all aspects in my life that are in order but I have made tremendous steps to get myself in the right direction. Save my life by getting bariatric surgery? Check. Follow the rules and lose 83 pounds? Absolutely. Lose 100 more and be the healthiest weight I’ve been in since I was 13? It’ll happen this year. BECAUSE I MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. I will not be a victim anymore. I am going to find my strength. I am going to find the woman thats in there and so help any one that stands in my way. I am very serious. No more negativity. I am so over it. It’s SO 2011. I will not wallow in past pain but use the pain, the rejection, the abuse as a catalyst for change. Forget guys and focus on ME. I will be mildly selfish. I will get it done. I will get a car by March. I wil have my debts paid off by my birthday. I will get my ass in gear to love myself so whole heartedly that I’ll need to get a room. Okay, that was weird. But seriously instead of focusing so much on the fact that I am alone I should focus on just getting hot for myself. Feeling sexy and owning the hell out of it. I won’t ever be a size under 9/10, nor do I want to be, but to own the healthy weight I am supposed to be and enjoy the ever living shit out of it. I have 17 pounds to go before I am finally at my first 100 pounds lost. Why will I let some DUDE define me as a woman? Just because they don’t want ME doesn’t make my accomplishments any less amazing. I am a beautiful woman whether the guys I like think so or not. I probably am not their cup of tea and that really is okay. It has to be okay because there HAS to be someone out there that will compliment my craziness and find me beautiful no matter what weight I am. That is a true man. So what if I haven’t met anyone bold enough, brave enough, MAN enough… and maybe I haven’t been ready for whatHAS come my way. I will be. I am being no nonesense and you’re either with it or you’re not. I have been working on my stronger self since April of this year when I decided to get my ass in gear to lose the weight. Let me continue my pursuit of happiness as I head into 2012. Let me raise my head high and be proud. Take all the compliments in stride and KNOW they’re right. Can you believe I answer some compliments with ” yeah, but I have so much more to lose?” Ridiculousness.That will stop. I’m not saying I am going to be cocky I am just going to start giving myself some freaking credit. I will stop being so hard on myself. I will continue to work hard on bettering myself as a whole person and take risks and not look back at shoulda coulda woulda. Are you with me?

Don’t underestimate the things that I will do. There’s a fire starting in my heart

krymeariver — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 19:20:55 +0000

Happy Holidays everyone and to those who don’t celebrate anything I hope your winter is shaping up to be awesome. I never used to celebrate anything growing up so I definitely want to include you all. Was your holiday good? Came by way too fast? Did it feel like Christmas was a bit forced down our throats this year? Was that just me or maybe working in retail at the holidays makes one a bit cynical?

I had a very nice Christmas despite a few things. Most notably terrible was losing my great grandfather on Christmas Eve.Which, my mother said, is his favorite day on the year. I felt so bad for my momma because that was her grandfather and she couldn’t fly to Puerto Rico to be with her family. Flights are so expensive this time of year. He was sick and now he’s at peace so I think she’s handling it well and enjoyed the holiday despite the sorrow. Loss is never, ever, easy.

Such a day that comes so fleeting and leaves in the same fashion. Tonight I go back to work on Boxing Day which means psycho gift card holders shopping. “Women be SHOPPIN’.” I’m fearful for my life.
Today I was trying to lazy around in my new pimp ass pink leopard pajamas but it looks like I have to run errands for a little bit with the sisters. I have been using the fat girl slim stuff for two days now. I love the stuff so far because it smells nice. I’ll let you know in a month if with a combo of fierce exercise and fat girl slim if I notice any difference.
So now that it’s after Christmas I have been, of course, thinking of New Years! I don’t know exactly what I’m doing yet but I’m excited to just meet a new year with, hopefully, a smile on my face. I gotta top this year. I lost over 80 pounds this year so next year I have to lose 80 more to stay consistent. I just want to get right and stay happy. Melodrama needs to stay in a jar deep with in my soul and just stay there. A real, obligatory, new years post will be posted in a few days.

I wanna live where soul meets body

krymeariver — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:06:51 +0000

I am feeling way more optimistic. It’s almost Christmas and today I woke up with a smile. Having Florence + the Machine as your alarm will do that to you I swear. Another smile to my face is that it’s pay day! I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad pay day. Glorious things happen on pay day. They taught me how to process some easy claims at work today so I was able to jammed to music for almost 6 hours today. Yes, I got paid to JAM. Hence the gloriousness of this day. ; )
I was also able to satiate my thirst for sexy boots. I purchased some boots online today and I got them for 28 bucks! I may be losing weight but my muscular ass calves are still some troublesome areas so I made sure they were for wide calves. I can’t wait to get them. I am determined to dress cuter. I want to rock dresses and skirts. I want to wear *gasp * leggings. Sure I have 100 or so more pounds to lose but damn it i’m feeling better and better every day. There is no reason to look a hot mess no matter what size you are. Rock color and cute things even if you’re plus size! I hate when plus size women hide themselves in only dark clothes or hideous flower patterns. Don’t be afraid of some color! Even at my heaviest I wore fabulous colors. You can see my attempt of a fashion blog post here.
So, random thoughts of the day as I go about my day:
I want an ass like Kim Kardashian’s. It’s possible. I’m going to make it happen. I will do at least 60 squats a day! RAH!
I want a bike but I don’t want a bike. My paranoia is that I’ll make the tires look flat.
I need more real jewelry in life. The e only thing “real” pieces that I own is my Pandora bracelet and my ID bracelet with my awesome name.
Oh, and my class ring that has the year I was SUPPOSED to graduate on it.
Another thing: I’m over my Pandora bracelet.
I worry that i’m bi polar but I usually do have a sunny disposition.
I am not an eye roller so there for I hate it when people roll their eyes at me. Bitch, you waited until 3 days before Christmas to decide you want to buy the limited edition make up set? Seriously?
I want to click my heels and move to Florida. Or New York. Or California. Or Tuscany. Or Australia.
I really don’t want to battle lines tonight.
Of COURSE the hottest guy in the whole office building has a girlfriend. Of course they have a beautiful baby. Of course.
I will still shamelessly check him out. Looking. Not touching.
I cannot WAIT to touch up the dye in my hair.
How does one become a wedding singer? Or becomes a back up singer?
Why do I have a writers block?
I will miss you on American Horror Story Evan Peters!! I will miss your beautiful psycho self so much!

I’ll say it for you: spaztastic.

Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

krymeariver — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:13:36 +0000

I had a moment of self pity the other day. Forgive me. I am human. More human than I want to be sometimes. I swear sometimes I get so involved in an idea I don’t think about what could really transpire if it happened. I have to just keep going and not wallow in self pity. The whole “it’s never going to happen for me” is really regressive and NOT what I’m trying to accomplish as i’m heading into a brand new year. Look at what I have already accomplished! I know I have a lot more to lose but as I’m starting to feel better about what I look like I just have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me and just get right with myself.
Why is that so hard for me sometimes? I really have to grow up. I just wish I could stop crushing on anyone until I’m at goal weight or something. Maybe then it’d be easier for me to get turned down. No, that’s wrong. It’ll be harder because in my minds eye i’m just going to be like wow I lost all this weight and I’m still getting turned down by everyone? That’s why I need to rally myself today and for the rest of my life. It isn’t always about weight. That is my hang up. I’m obsessed with the fact that i’m fat. Because that is my main insecurity I am just assuming the worst -I’m being vain. Maybe it’s not always about me. . It’s not going to go away overnight so I really need to start working with myself now to get it together. Focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. Sure, I’ve been treated badly in the past. Sure, I have been called awful things by guys I cared about, but that’s the past and this is now.

“Life’s too short for so much sorrow.”

(I am going to really miss American Horror Story.) There really is so much out there and Delaware is sickly small. Everyone knows everyone and maybe I just need to eventually meet someone brand new who doesn’t know a thing about my bull shit.
God, I love writing this out. It is so therapeutic. It’s really hard for me to voice what’s wrong with me. I have great friends but they’re involved with their own things and I don’t like to be a bother. Not that they’ll ever say i’m a bother because they’re awesome like that. The other thing is this struggle is very internal. No one can snap me out of this except for myself. People can spit out compliments about how fantastic I look but I have to feel it and see it for myself. Some days I do. I have my hang ups about my stomach (because I’m losing weight everywhere BUT my damn stomach) but I am starting to see my collar bones. I haven’t seen my collarbones since like my sophomore year in high school. If I keep focusing on these little things maybe I won’t be so hard on myself . Sucky thing about this week I’m working a lot so I don’t have time to train and exercise. I walked to work yesterday, that was a brisk 20 minute walk, I did Zumba on Monday, and Tuesday I tried to dance out my frustrations ala Footloose. (No, it wasn’t that cheesy. More like some serious jumping and random salsa moves. Very uncoordinated. It was fantastic. Today I work til five at my first job and then 6 to 11 at the mall. It’s going to be a long exhausting day. Maybe if I keep jiggling my legs as I ring up people I’ll burn more calories. TOmorrow I work until five but I HAVE too finish my christmas shopping. Saturday I work 8 am until 3 pm and I’m probably going to be too exhausted to do anything else., let alone finish my Christmas shopping. But since i’ll be at the mall already i will probably still shop. It is my shopaholics weakness. I love to buy even if its for others. Actually, especially others. Plus I’m dying to try out the product Fat Girl Slim that is supposedly a miracle worker. The reviews online at sephora.com are pretty positive so I want to try it. The cream is supposed to help tighten and get rid of cellulite. I’ll keep you posted!

I rushed right in just like a fool

krymeariver — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 02:23:17 +0000

I am not a sensible person sometimes. I’ll say it. My heads in the clouds 98% of the time. I’m always hoping. I’m always dreaming. I am not the leading lady of my own life. Not yet. Maybe i’m going through all these zany adventures called solitude so I gain more perspective of “together” when it comes. I think I’m just stupid sometimes.
I have lost 82 pounds. I have worked very hard. Very, very hard to get to this point. I’m only 40% there. I got 60% to go. I am going to work even harder and propel myself with the picture of health i’m supposed to be at 24. I just want to feel beautiful. I should not allow the words/actions of others make me feel less beautiful but you can’t help a girl for nursing a bruised ego.
I’m being vague. On purpose of course. I have had my hopes dashed so many times its a wonder I can scrape any hopes at all. Should I hope anymore? I am self sufficient in the sense that I have no problem going to the movies by myself. I know I’m very good alone. I should just stick to myself. I really should. I called it at thirteen that i’d end up a spinster.Maybe i’m pretty good at predicting the future.
I’m being pessimistic and that is NOT who the fuck I am. It’s okay to be hurt once. I know this. It’s healthy. I just don’t get why it happens to me EVERY FUCKING TIME. This is not an overstatement. It is literally every time. You would think a 24 year old would wise the hell up and NOT give a fuck anymore. Well, apparently I have an over abundance of fucks to give. I will just get over this. You know how I will? Because I have done it a million times. I am not a child or teenager anymore even though I feel like a wee little 13 year old who just got turned down for the dinner dance. But maybe, just maybe, I will just start to wise up and NOT trust or hope so hard. Just be stoic and just be happy with a fucking movie on my own instead.

it’s not a dream anymore, it’s worth fighting for

krymeariver — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 18:44:49 +0000

Small Update. I had training last night with my physical trainer and he mentioned that I looked like I lost since last Thursday. I was a little apprehensive about stepping on the scale since last visit but I said what hell. Let’s do it. So I got on the scale and I was pleasantly surprised to ssee that I lost another 4 pounds. I am now at 82 pounds lost with just 18 pounds to go until I reach 100 pounds down. I wish I could lose it by the end of the year just so i can say in 2011 I LOST one hundred pounds but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t. I am not in a contest. I am doing this for me. I’m not losing weight to impress anyone but myself (although I do love the support and accolades.) I like that I’m doing it to make myself feel better- that i’m not doing it to impress any men. I have been reconsidering my intial thought of the men that nknew me 82 pounds ago. Like if all of the sudden they magically want to date me after I lose a whole bunch of weight should I automactically write them off as shallow? I really am the same person but I will say I am a lot happier to be around and I feel more hopeful than ever before that things are going to really be okay. Should I take that into account? I guess it all depends on the guy. I can’t dictate who I fall for (lord. knows. that’s. true.) but I’m so lost on all this. I guess if the situation comes up I’ll play it by ear. just random thoughts keep popping up in my head. It’s a little personal and while I am very open and honest some things I just can’t share. Like matters of the heart and its fragile state. Well, okay, i’ll say it. My heart is very fragile and I just don’t know if any one is capable to be responsible for it. I wish someone would step up though, i’ll say that. I’m willing to try. I really am. Is any one else?